At the office there's a big printed cardboard wheel with a pivot in the middle and little punch-cut holes. It says "Because a Bad Excuse is Better than No Excuse" and has been lying around for a few years now. The original source is apparently a novelty sales company, but this item seems to be out-of-print. For posterity, a semi-random sampling of the "Dial-an-Excuse" suggestions that it offers, through windows in a rotating disc:
| Category | Issue | Classic Excuse | Extenuating Excuse | Mundane Excuse | Far-Fetched Excuse | Sob Story Excuse |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| COMMUNICATION | Missed Birthday | Later Surprise Planned | Mercury in Retrograde | Preoccupied at Work | Gift Stolen at Gun-point | Childhood Birthday Trauma |
| Unreturned E-Mail | Technical Difficulty | Spilled on Keyboard | Tremendous Backlog | House Burned Down | Carpal Tunnel Syndrome | |
| ATTENDANCE | Early Departure | Headache | Food Poisoning | Big Day Tomorrow | Secret Spy Mission | Weaned Too Soon |
| Tardiness | Slept Through Alarm | Sewage Emergency | Stuck in Traffic | Fell in Ditch | Unexpected Nausea | |
| PERFORMANCE | Nodding Off | Recent Insomnia | Nighttime Street Noise | Too Warm in Room | Doped Against Will | Narcolepsy |
| Lack of Preparation | Not Enough Time | Printer Problems | Took Longer than Thought | Parole Officer Visited | Sudden Learning Disability | |
| FINANCE | Under-Employment | No Good Jobs | Fear of Harassment | Following Dream | Scheduling Conflict | Agoraphobia |
| Bounced Check | Bad Arithmetic | Ex Emptied Account | Should Have Cleared | Government Plot | Children Going Hungry | |
| INFRACTION | Traffic Violation | Speedometer Broken | Hemorrhoid Attack | Didn't See Sign | Being Chased | Whining Child |
| Fender Bender | Didn't See Other Car | Tire Blowout | Talking on Cell Phone | Bad Song on Radio | Epileptic Seizure | |
| Public Inebriation | Empty Stomach | Accidental Fermentation | Only Had a Few | Slipped a Mickey at Drive-Thru | Very Thirsty | |
| PERSONAL RELATIONS | Platonic Rejection | So Busy Right Now | Too Many Friends | Working All the Time | Moving to Australia | Entering Intensive Therapy |
| Romantic Rejection | Not Ready | Entering Monastery | Need to Be Alone | Upcoming Sex Change | Scared of Intimacy | |
| Offensive Behavior | Drunkenness | Unwitting Drug Consumption | Acting Out from Stress | Supernatural Possession | Frequent Childhood Humiliation | |
| Inappropriate Outburst | Straw Broke Camel's Back | Just Got Bad News | That Time of Month | Birth Canal Flashback | Went Off Medication | |
| Divulged Secret | Just Slipped Out | Under Hypnosis | Unaware of Confidentiality | Paid Lots to Reveal | Tourette's Syndrome |
Yes, many of them aren't terribly funny, and others are rather dated already (the "Dial-an-Excuse" wheel is copyrighted 2005 on the back), but others rate at least a smile. Nowadays, of course, the mechanical disc-with-windows approach feels so quaint ...
^z - 2014-06-30