Chafing — a common problem for distance runners. The inner thighs are particularly vulnerable. Even the most inoffensive seam in a pair of shorts can, after a few dozen miles, create a nightmare of abrasion. Coating the vulnerable areas of one's upper legs with petroleum jelly helps ... sometimes, for some people.

Now there's a better solution: the new, high-tech yet all-natural answer from the same folks who brought you Powr SpüngZ, the ultra-energy fuel — Bäkn StripZ.

Yes, just take these cured pork slices (not to be confused with ordinary pieces of uncooked bacon, no matter how similar they may appear) and wrap them around your thighs. Secure them in place with our handy strip-clips (not included), or simply staple them on. The powerful lubricants of Bäkn StripZ will immediately go to work to protect your delicate parts from discomfort, no matter how far you go. The normal heat that your body generates will, in fact, release additional friction-reducing molecules as they're needed, in a thixotropic phenomenon that our research chemists term "just-in-time goo".

By the way, to allay any concerns of our vegetarian customers: Bäkn StripZ are produced exclusively from pigs raised in the most luxurious surroundings, fed generous amounts of healthy foods. Our noble swine pass away peacefully of old age after living full, happy lives. So you need have no guilt feelings when you use Bäkn StripZ — rather, you can be proud knowing that you are employing a fellow living creature to perform one final honorable, productive mission.

And that's not all! Bäkn StripZ can significantly improve your speed in both races and training jogs. Just put the StripZ in place as instructed and run past a dog (any breed will do, but Dobermans are ideal). When the animal senses the presence of Bäkn StripZ and begins to nip at them, you in turn will immediately experience an instinctive desire to run faster and farther than you have ever been able to do before. Try it and see for yourself!

Get Bäkn StripZ at your favorite athletic supply store — only $29.95 per pound. Look for them in the refrigerated cabinet. A major portion of our profits from this product go to our legal defense fund.

(see also PowerSponge (18 Sep 2003), ... )

TopicHumor - TopicRunning - 2004-03-11

(correlates: CpapBong, GoodWill, Theory of Flight, ...)